How to prepare your child for bedtime with a babysitter or family member
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Yes, especially if your child has never settled with anyone else before. Most parents worry about how bedtime will go, but children often cope far better than we expect.
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This depends on your child’s temperament, your comfort level, and who is caring for them. Some kids settle well with grandparents or trusted carers from a young age, while other children need more time.
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Look for somebody your child feels comfortable with, who communicates well, has experience with children, and is happy to follow your guidance around bedtime.
I still remember the first time I left my eldest with my mum and dad while I went out with my husband for a much needed date night. I was a bit of a wreck, thinking up excuses all day as to why we should cancel our meal and stay in. The rest of the time I spent planning every possible scenario and writing detailed lists and instructions for my parents. My husband is one of those people who refuses to indulge in my drama (which is probably one of the reasons I married him!) and he persuaded me that every excuse I came up with was rubbish and that we needed to go out for everyone’s sake.
So, after talking through my lists with my mum, we ended up at a local restaurant just a short drive from our house.
I was surprised at how quickly I started to feel more like myself again. I could have an uninterrupted conversation, wear an actual handbag instead of carrying nappies and snacks everywhere, and switch off mentally for a couple of hours. I kept my phone on loud and felt very grateful when my parents texted to say bedtime had gone well and he was fast asleep.
When we got home, he was still asleep and my parents were relaxing on the sofa. All the drama I had imagined in my head about coming home to a screaming child and stressed grandparents had been completely unnecessary. And I realised how important it was for me and my husband to reconnect outside of parenting.
How to help a babysitter settle your child at bedtime
This is one of the biggest worries parents have, especially if your child relies on very specific bedtime habits. And I say this as someone who felt this exact way myself!
If you are nervous about this, I always suggest inviting the babysitter, friend, or family member over before the actual evening so they can watch your bedtime routine.
Talk them through:
The order you do things in
Any songs or phrases you use
How your child usually settles
What helps calm them if they get upset
What time they normally fall asleep
Then leave everything written down so they can refer back to it once you leave.
If your child’s bedtime already feels unpredictable or stressful, having a consistent routine in place before introducing a babysitter can make a huge difference. I talk more about this in my blog, From chaos to calm: How to create a bedtime routine that works, and you can also download my free bedtime routine chart to help make evenings feel more manageable.
These are all the things you can control. The one thing you cannot control is whether they follow the routine exactly the same way you do.
If it’s a paid babysitter, they will usually follow your guidance very closely. With family members, you probably already know whether they are likely to stick to the plan or not!
But the important thing to remember is that even if bedtime looks a little different for one night, your child will be OK.
They might go to bed later than normal. They might need extra cuddles. They might fall asleep differently than usual. But one evening is not going to undo everything.
And if you are away for several nights, people usually realise quite quickly that your usual routine works best if their approach is not working.
What happens if your child won’t settle for a babysitter?
Before I had children, I babysat for lots of families in my twenties, so I have seen this from the other side too.
One family I babysat for regularly had a two year old and a five year old. The youngest had never been left with anyone before and had always been fed to sleep.
The first time I babysat, I walked him around the living room in his pram until he fell asleep. Other times I lay beside him, read stories, or stayed with him while he settled.
It was not the same way his parents did bedtime, but he still fell asleep in the end and his parents got time together that they badly needed.
Children often settle differently for different people, and that is completely normal.
If your child normally relies heavily on you to fall asleep, especially if you are currently co sleeping, this situation can feel even more overwhelming. You might find my blog How to stop co-sleeping with a 3–10 year old helpful, or my downloadable guide Easing away from co-sleeping if you want more structured support.
How to choose the right babysitter for bedtime
I am lucky to have a group of local mums who offer babysitting, so it is always worth asking in WhatsApp groups or local Facebook groups for recommendations.
When we first started using babysitters we did not know, we invited them over early so they could meet the children and we could talk everything through together.
Now we usually put the kids to bed ourselves and ask the babysitter to arrive shortly before bedtime so the children can see them and say hello before we leave.
We have also swapped babysitting with another family on our street who have children the same age. The kids know us all well, which makes bedtime much easier, and it works really well because nobody has to pay for childcare.
Some of our closest family friends also babysit for us.
If you do not have those options, many parents ask trusted adults their child already knows, including:
Nursery staff
Teachers
Teaching assistants
Tutors
Club leaders
These people are already familiar to your child and usually have experience with children, which helps everyone feel more comfortable.
I also know lots of parents who use Bubble and Childcare.co.uk to find babysitters. I personally have not used them as a parent, but I actually worked as a babysitter through sites like these in my twenties.
And always ask for references or credentials. Anyone trustworthy will not be offended by that question.
Finding somebody your child feels comfortable around can make bedtime feel much less overwhelming for everyone. For some families that is grandparents or close friends, while for others it might be a trusted teacher, nursery worker, or recommended babysitter.
At what age can you leave your child with a babysitter at bedtime?
There is not really one “right” age to leave your child with a babysitter at bedtime because every child is different. Some children are naturally more flexible with separation and change, while others need much more reassurance around bedtime, even when they are older. In my experience, readiness usually depends more on your child’s temperament, how familiar they are with the caregiver, and whether bedtime already feels fairly predictable at home. Starting with shorter evenings out can help build confidence gradually for both you and your child.
How to prepare your child for bedtime with a babysitter or family member
How much you prepare your child really depends on their personality and age.
We have always told our children when we are going out, even if we knew they might feel a little upset initially. Personally, I would rather reassure them beforehand than have them wake up confused and find somebody unfamiliar in the house. But I know other families who choose not to because they’re sure their child won’t wake. There is no right or wrong way, just what feels right for you and your family.
If you do decide to tell your kids, you do not need to over explain where you are going. We usually tell them we are going out for dinner, but I do not think the exact details matter too much.
What matters more is helping them feel safe and confident.
Things that often help include:
Talking positively about the babysitter beforehand
Letting the babysitter join part of bedtime while you are still there
Practising short separations first
Keeping the bedtime routine as familiar as possible
Leaving comfort items nearby if they use them
Some children cope well right up until the moment you leave, and then all the big emotions suddenly come out at bedtime. If that sounds familiar, my blog How to manage big emotions at bedtime may help.
If your child struggles with separation anxiety, gradual practice can really help.
Should you check in during bedtime with a babysitter?
I think this is something parents need to decide based on what helps them relax rather than what feeds anxiety.
Personally, I find it helpful to ask for:
A quick text once the children are asleep
A message if there are any problems
After that, I try not to keep checking my phone constantly because it stops me properly relaxing.
But if it helps you to feel more relaxed, then having a certain number of times in your head, or how often you’ll check in over the night so it doesn’t take over your evening!
Helping your child feel confident with bedtime away from parents
The first time is always the hardest.
But confidence grows through experience, both for parents and children.
Children are often far more resilient than we expect, and they take a lot of emotional cues from us. If we act like they are safe and capable of coping, they are much more likely to believe it too. Your confidence is key to helping them feel safe and calm about you leaving.
Letting somebody else handle bedtime does not make you a bad parent. In many cases, it helps everyone. And sometimes, a few hours out together is exactly what parents need.
If bedtime anxiety, co sleeping, bedtime battles, or night waking are making evenings feel exhausting, you do not have to figure it all out on your own. You can explore my blogs, download one of my bedtime guides, or look into 1:1 sleep support if you want more personalised help.