How to manage big emotions at bedtime: my tried and tested 4 steps
Many parents find that big emotions show up right at bedtime. Everyone is tired, the fun part of the day is ending, and suddenly the smallest thing can trigger tears, tantrums or shouting.
Dealing with big emotions at bedtime can feel inevitable, which is why many parents refuse to even contemplate making changes to an already stressful end to the day. And I totally get that. I’ve been there and struggled immensely with tantrums at bedtime (both mine and my kids!).
But one thing I know from experience is that once clear boundaries and calm responses are in place, bedtime can become much calmer, with far fewer tantrums and shouting.
Quick summary: how to handle big emotions at bedtime
When children struggle with big emotions at bedtime, the most effective approach is to regulate yourself first, connect with your child so they feel understood, and then gently refocus them while holding the bedtime boundary.
My tried and tested three steps to managing bedtime emotions are:
1. Regulate yourself first
Regulating your own emotions is the most important thing to do (which can also be the hardest of all these steps) before you can help your child.
As hard as it is, you want to be the calm in the storm while they’re feeling their feelings.
It is totally OK to take a short time out if you feel yourself becoming triggered and need a little space. Take a breath, tap your fingers, think of somewhere calming, repeat some positive affirmations… whatever it is you need to do to make sure your emotions don't boil over.
Children borrow our calm, so staying regulated yourself is the first step in helping them regulate too.
2. Connect with your child
Get on their level and show them you understand how tough this feels for them. A cuddle goes a long way.
Try to let go of thoughts like:
“This is so frustrating”
“I just want to go and make my dinner”
“Not again”
Instead, try to be present in the moment and simply be near them. Look at their hands and remember how small they are. They’re not trying to be difficult; they’re just finding the new changes hard.
It is completely fine to cuddle them or sit next to them. Help them child recognise what they’re feeling. For example, you might say:
“Even though I’m sitting right by the door, you feel worried.”
There’s no need to try to reassure them or reason with them. Logic rarely works when children are feeling big emotions.
Instead, help them feel understood:
“I can see that you’d love mummy to stay with you the whole night. I know you love our cuddles at night and it’s making you feel sad or cross that we won’t have them anymore.”
Feeling understood is often what helps children calm down enough to move forward.
3. Refocus while holding the boundary
Once your child has returned to a calmer place, help them refocus. Hold the boundary, but let them decide what happens next.
For example:
“When you’re ready, snuggle down and close your eyes. Would you like a cuddle or a kiss before you close your eyes?”
This step is important because it shows your child that the boundary is staying in place, while still giving them a sense of control.
Consistency is the key to successfully making changes at bedtime.
4. Repeat the boundary calmly
Even when you’re regulating yourself, connecting with your child and holding the boundary, some children will still try to pull you into long conversations, arguments, or negotiations at bedtime. This is incredibly common, especially when children are adjusting to new boundaries or changes in their bedtime routine.
Often the tricky part is knowing what to say in the moment to stop the conversation spiralling into a long conversation or explanation when your child says things like:
“But I’m not tired!”
“Just one more cuddle!”
“Why can’t you stay with me?”
If this sounds familiar, my Free Bedtime Scripts Guide gives you simple phrases you can use in those moments to stay calm, hold your boundary and help your child settle more easily.
Why bedtime tantrums sometimes get worse before they get better
In the beginning, it might feel like the emotions are never ending or getting worse. This is really normal as your child tests whether you actually mean it and are going to stick to the new boundaries.
If you’ve tried changes before but haven’t been able to stick to them, the process may take a little longer. Your child may be expecting that if they complain hard enough, things will go back to the old way.
Stick with it, and many families begin to see improvements within 2–3 weeks.
What to do if bedtime struggles aren’t improving
If bedtime struggles haven’t improved after two to three weeks, it can be helpful to look a little deeper at what else might be going on.
If you'd like expert eyes on your situation to see what could be going on, feel free to book a free call and we can chat through what might be happening and what steps could help next. There is zero pressure to book anything else!
FAQ: Big emotions at bedtime
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Children often experience big emotions at bedtime because they are tired and the day is coming to an end. When children are overtired or facing changes in routine, their ability to regulate emotions becomes much harder.
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The most effective approach is to stay calm yourself, connect with your child so they feel understood, and then gently guide them back to the bedtime routine while holding clear boundaries.
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Yes, it is completely developmentally normal for children under the age of 6 to have tantrums at bedtime. Especially when routines are changing or children are feeling overtired. With consistent responses and clear boundaries, bedtime usually becomes calmer over time.